Monday, November 2, 2009

Cursing God in the Twilight

I'll warn you now: you're catching me at a bad time. I know the mood here around Moon Food isn't always the balmiest of Caribbean vacations, but right now I want to tie dynamite around the foundations of the world. Which all things considered is just as well because, well shit my friends, just look around you.


The last couple of days have been personally rotten for me. Anything that can have taken a turn for the worse, has. It culminated today in something that's the closest I've ever experienced to a nervous breakdown. I sat down at the lake, under a willow tree in a nice isolated spot behind a hotel's closed-for-the-winter pool, and spent the better part of an hour cursing God. Anyone unlucky enough to walk by would have thought that I was a crazy person and right then, they wouldn't have been wrong (assuming that's ever wrong.)

I really had it out with the old bastard. Yeah, yeah, I know ... God's gender neutral. Both, neither, not applicable. For purposes of cussing the son of a bitch out though, well, I've never gotten on well with men anyways.

God kept his peace, for the most part. Towards the end he tried whispering a thing or two in my head about how futile it was to hate him, that even if I started playing for the dark side I'd be working for him anyways, but fuck 'im. Can't reason with the heart and right then the heart was saying, then how come you shower all your blessings everywhere but me? How come it's never my turn? Asshole. I hate you and I know that hate's a sham and that makes me want to hate you more.

So. Here I am, undergoing this inner emotional cytokine storm that has me wanting the whole world to die, for every human life to be snuffed out and creation itself to implode. Truth be told my own death, a real and final death with none of this reincarnation on the karmic wheel bullshit, would be just as acceptable a resolution to what I've been going through. Either way an end to being. It's that NO to existence that forms the primal root of everything in the universe that we might sum up under the broad fluttering battle-standard of Raw Evil, and that NO has been growling lately from the very depths of my heart.

Yeah, well, I'm not really here to talk about me, except maybe insofar as there's no such thing as me since really I'm just another part of the world, so me and the world, we're the same thing, which is either egotistical or egoless depending on how you look at it. Old hat around here, right, I know, but it bears repeating since there's still plenty of us humans haven't figured this out for themselves yet. Fair enough as I'm still struggling to get a handle on this whole seamless unified consciousness thing, and I have it on pretty good authority that it isn't so easy to master.

Yeah, so the world. The weekend of the 25th the President of the Incorporated States of America declared a national state of emergency over swine flu, and a key economic indicator (I forget which, but you're a smart crowd: you either know or you can find out), one which functions as a leading indicator, switched over into early-warning mode. It came and went without people much noticing, but it was right on time for the web bot prediction of when things would get kicked up a notch.

This weekend came news of a massive outbreak of not-swine-flu in the Ukraine, with people already dropping like flies. CIT filed for bankruptcy, the fifth largest in US history and by implication, I expect, probably in that of the world.

And Israel and Iran ... tick, tock. Whether that will be next weekend's surprise I can't say, but the 6th Night of the Mayan calendar's Galactic Underworld starts on the 7th. It'll take about a year to play out and it will be in most respects the worst year of our lives.

It's not just me and it's not just current events. A lot of people I know are going through some elementally vicious times in their lives right now, and others are telling me the same of those they know. Everything is going suddenly and unfairly pear-shaped on them, like the world's tearing at them through everything they have, everything they do, and everyone they know, resulting in a crushing psychic pressure that's building in our minds ... like being ripped apart by the world and suffocated and spat upon all at the same time. My bet would be that you're experiencing this in your personal life right now probably more or less to the degree that you're consciously sensitive to the context of the world around you, to the degree that you realize you are that world and feel what it feels. It's the best of us who hurt the worst.

I don't expect it helps much to hear it put in this light. Misery might love company but the kind of misery I'm in right now, man, let me tell you: I know but that does not mean I give a fuck. I cannot help but feel that way: it's how the whole world feels.

It has to happen like this. Look around you at the world as it's been, the world as humanity has made it: poverty, war, alienation, crime, despair, corruption, decay, and dissolution into drugs, entertainments, and general apathy. The apathy, that's the worst of it. The biosphere's being destroyed, the human soul is being eaten, our great-grandchildren are being sold into slavery to a gang of petty crooks who are plotting to steal the entire future and we can't even rouse ourselves to really care.

This is not a happy world. It is not a good world. This world cannot go on in its current state. And it won't. You might say the world hates itself right now. That primal NO is echoing through the thoughtscape of which our individual human minds are but outcroppings and the results are what we see around us in the world, in the lives of others, in our own lives: chaos, failure, and frustration at every turn, the microcosm mirroring the macrocosm. World has decided to commence the process of rending herself to shreds. Whether she's been planning this for a while, or was just abused or betrayed or bitterly disappointed one time too many is now entirely beside the point. She's sitting in the bathtub with the water running and a straight-razor in her hands, and she isn't thinking straight, nor is she seeing straight thanks to the bellyful of pills and the tears, and so when she finally starts in on her arms, well, it won't be a couple of clean cuts, put it that way.

Hah. Yeah, I know. God's a man, Gaia's a woman. How much more cliche can I be?

Well, I'll say this much, if only because at the moment it too feels like a horrible cliche: there's a better, more beautiful world coming on the other side of all this chaos and upheaval. People will die, in great and tragic numbers. Governments will topple, starvation and crime will stalk the streets, disease will run rampant and fear and paranoia will rule people's minds to a terrifying degree as the truth of what is, and what's been, is made inevitably apparent to them. The sheer scale of the crimes that have been committed and contemplated beggars the imagination when comprehended in its totality. I have no doubt that those who realize it too suddenly will be driven irreparably mad as a result, through some awful combination of shock and embarrassment, and that madness will express itself in terrible ways.

But the truth is a powerful source of psychic energy. Those who've discovered it know this already, if only as an intuition. They sense its potence, though at present the world denies it at every turn and seemingly showers its affections upon criminals who revel in its degredation. I've noticed many times a certain light in some people's eyes, a something-more that inevitably bespeaks a mind that has at least begun to open itself, and without exception I find that with such people there need be no argument: understanding is instantaneous and mutual, often akin to telepathy in its intensity. And yet at the same time, I've also noticed that there seems to be a kind of interference pattern or jamming signal around such interactions: though I might meet such people, inevitably the world arranges our lives such that we never meet again or at any rate are kept at distances such that no interaction is possible save through correspondence.

Les has said a few times this is because the demons are being held up as an object lesson, an example of what Not To Do for a great number of future generations and I figure he'll be shown to be right about this. That means that during this period the truth cannot be allowed to flourish: lies must instead be at their furthest extent, that those who serve them may be elevated high for all to see ... and then cast down low, like the ultimate cosmic Summer King, the culmination of an extended course in morality and being spanning ten thousand years or more. "See, humanity?" World is saying, "This is what secrets, lying, greed and narrow egos gets you: pain."

The Mayan Sun is about to set, and in the reddening light and rapid shadows everything's getting weird. It's going to go from weird to worse, and just to get through what's ahead we'll have to learn that lesson the world has been so patiently trying to teach us all along: that we're all one, all the same thing, that conflict is futile and mutual predation counterproductive. It's our failure to grasp that one lesson, and nothing else, that's kept us all this time from building a true civilization, one with its basis in consciousness, conscience, creativity and compassion, not just for this group or that group and not even just for all of humanity but for everything. The next several months will see untold destruction wrought upon the world as we've known it; but in the ruins, those who have learned the lesson they were meant to will set about forging this Civilization for the first time in the history of our species. We'll have to, just to get through it. There won't be any other way.


su said...

Could feel your rage from here.
The truth is we don't know what the next minute will bring let alone the next month.
It appears to look as if this will happen and then something else arises.
To humour you (can you forgive me for that) allow me to relay a story.
Once a teacher was teaching her young children and she asked them who could give her a sentence with the word definitely.
Jay put up his hand and said that he and his father were definitely going fishing that afternoon.
And the teacher sweetly told him that they might have planned to go fishing but a storm could blow in or a flat tire occur - so no Jay that would not be a definite.
Mailene puts up her hand - I am definitely getting a pony for my birthday. Again it was mentioned that numerous things could arise that would block that happening.
Finally Suzie in the back of the class puts up her hands and says I think I have I think I know - I think I definitely peed in my pants.

My personal reality is one of increasing peace.
And that seamless unity is drawing me into its understanding.
I think things could go one of a million ways.
That whole parallel universe theory.

psychegram said...

Thanks Su. I laughed in spite of myself ... and I needed that. Remember a while back, you said something about you hoped a meteor would fall from the sky and spare you the trouble of living through the approaching chaos?

Yeah, like that.

You're right though, the future can't be predicted exactly, not in the details at leas. Broad trends are a different matter, but even at that level there are no guarantees and maybe we'll be wrong about the directions things head but ... right now ... in this state, I can't bring myself to much care either way.

Frank said...

Perfect mood actually.

I read your blog before but this one hit me in a personal way. When I get in the same sort of mood I go and google up "famous farts Youtube" and get Hillary Clinton and Captain Kirk and hundreds of others cutting wind. Sorry but it works every time.

The late engineer and scientist G. Harry Stine offered another way to make a similar argument. Harry was fired by a US missle contractor in the Fifties for giving unpatriotic opinions, so he went his own way and created the entire model rocket industry in the US. He made what had been a grim business fun. But he was always a realist.

A natural law fellow with little patience for theology, Harry was well-versed in nearly all the physical sciences. His conclusion usually pisses off the greens: "The universe," Harry once concluded, "is profilgate, wasteful, inefficient and uncaring."

Left to its own devices Nature would kill us all in a minute, as Eric Hoffer wrote after his near-death experiences in American transient camps during the Great Depression. (And the Depression, like the universe, might also have been the product of Intelligent Design. Which means intelligence is often hostile and uncaring also.)

90 percent of everything is wasted. Millions are in poverty, billions will die in a universe that's packed with everything they need, right here and now. Harry and others have wrapped their heads around that and refused to go mad.

But like all realists they pay a price. Harry died far too young in 1999, after proposing a Third Industrial Revolution to move production to space. Stine's proposals were made in engineering papers and in cheap paperbacks, but were packed with sound science and ideas that could have been started right after he wrote them.

Right AFTER Stine wrote them, space was practically abandoned. Post hoc ergo... no, I won't do that. I note only that his ideas to bring abundance to the planet were cheap, practical, and entailed no exotic or insanely expensive new technology. He was ignored.

But good ideas are never ignored forever. When enough of us are fed up, we'll force abundance and good manners on the world anyway.

Rob Meade said...

Nice blog man.

Just to confirm your impression that a lot of people are going through hard times right now, I can relate. As for me, I'm separated from my wife in Vancouver, and working overtime at the pizza place to pay off some debt before I go back (as well as the lovely immigration process). I think she's taking it harder than I am, of course... she's very depressed, and her apartment has bedbugs now.

Of course I have art therapy for myself which helps quite a bit.

When I was in middle school (1993?) I wrote a story about this airborne ebola outbreak, and in the middle of it, this guy drinks a weird tea from the amazon rainforest which cures him, and when he finally finds the plant (a flower of some kind) in the forest, he finds that the last one is crushed by a bulldozer.

Weird, huh?

In any case, it seems your blog post has that same sort of aesthetic.

I think it's also very attractive to think of this as a lesson being taught, with the object being to learn we are all one.

I'm still having trouble with that myself. It seems that yes, we are all manifestations of an energy field or an indivisible movement with many articulations, but I'm still not sure about any of the conclusions drawn.

Especially on the subject of 'mutual predation', who's to say that it doesn't work, in some sense, in some place and time, for some species? From what I can see, it's omnipresent in nature. Who are we to think we've evolved past it?

It boils down to, in what sense is conflict 'good' or 'bad' for an energy field which doesn't exactly discriminate? And why do we think we know what is best for this energy field that is all-being?

People use this logic to conclude that you shouldn't hurt a fly. So it goes, that if you hurt the fly, you are only hurting yourself. But isn't that a little bit 'ego-centric'? I mean, you seem to be assuming that the fly doesn't want to be hurt (mostly biased towards your own experience with pain). Maybe it wants to be hurt. In that case, you might be doing yourself (who is also the fly) a big favor. I mean, we are part of nature, and it's not as if nature isn't into hurting herself. 99% of all species have gone extinct, usually painfully. Basically, in this equation you are treating the fly as if it were you. But you are not necessarily treating you as if you were the fly.

(if you wish to pursue this philosophical issue further, please rent the Cronenberg film, "The Fly" and watch it while smoking dope)

But don't think I'm defending violence, which I'm really not. I feel more like, I'm defending violence from being raped by peace.

I think the point that the question I'm trying to flesh out... is that maybe the universe doesn't really know these things (the fate of the world) ahead of time and maybe we are the 'science experiment'. If you get what I'm saying. But then again maybe it does.

Different strokes for different folks. I'm even cool with people who are approaching all of this from the Christianity perspective. And trust me, I come across them from time to time in all forms.

Anyway it's getting late so I'm going to cut short this ranting. I think I had some more important things to say but whatevrr.

-Rob Meade

RW said...

The either/or mindset is, by its operating mode of exclusion, a living hell. How can it be any other way? Slashing, chopping and reductionism is looking for THE ultimate answer. Turns suffering in plain ol' hell into an insane asylum.

The both/and heart includes and propogates inclusion that grows. Its alive, both male and female included. Doesn't lend itself to increasing debate or futher intelligent conversation and might get you to laugh so hard you piss your pants. . .

"I don't know" DEFINITELY takes care of both parasitic doubt and belief systems.

Better to unzip, drop your drawers and piss on the mayan calender, the fires of living hell and the rest of the gloom whether you squat or aim.


vw: heaticon

13 Muluc said...

Hi Psychegram. You're right when you say it's not just you. "Unfairly pear-shaped" sums it up to a T. In fact, the most striking thing about it for me is the improbability of it all. It's so riddiculous, it reminds me of online poker. Because of this, I find I can't take it seriously. I can only laugh. Maybe I'm just fed up the effort of trying to maintain and let go at the same time. Then again, we knew it was coming, the collective car crash. As the trappings of the machine-world break down, those last affected will be the ones in the highest tiers of the pyramid. I'm not even close to there, so I never expected it to be smooth. Still, I wouldn't want to be the "elite", standing there holding all the cake when the deluded masses finally realise they've been had.
I just keep reminding myself that the Infinite Awareness behind and within the manifested universe knows what it's doing. It looks to me as though the personal and collective egoic entities are gorging themselves in preparation for what is coming. Whatever happens, I have decided not to be their food. I noticed something recently concerning these entities. When they feel threatened, they transfer these feelings to their victims by means of the tried and true strategy of calling themselves "I". They convince us that it is we who feel threatened and weak and unworthy, when the truth is that we have never been more powerful and this is precisely the reason for the entity's terror. I've had a fair bit of success deflecting these attacks by giving the false ego it's own name. I call it Dick. My partner has started calling his "the magic monkey", but anything other than "I" will do.
Blessed be.

psychegram said...

Hi 13,

I wish I were able to treat this with the serenity and sense of humor you and Su display. A smile crossed my face, however briefly. It seems sometimes, hell most of the time, that with very few exceptions my only real friends are online.

Maybe it will come with time ... but my essential nature is to growl at that which grows offensive to me, and lately I mean literally. Mostly at inanimate objects, when they do something to hurt me like a twig slapping me in the face, or a hindrance such as when a computer crashes. As far as I know I haven't started doing this around people. Or at least not at them. Yet. Maybe I'll start laughing at it all, or maybe I'll start growling at people like an angry dog when they get in my way, it all depends and on what I can't precisely say.

It really is quite liberating, though, letting the beast within voice its rage liberated from any linguistic overlay of meaning. Like swearing without all the weird imagery that accompanies the intention.

At any rate, I haven't yet brought the Growl out for public consumption ... for now, if I must be in public I just silently and indiscriminately broadcast the universal hate, into everyone and everything around me. "In my nightmares, the city's in flames, and in my dreams it's much the same," (Tom Morello, the Nightwatchman), about sums it up.

This Mordor-like thoughtscape is a terrifying and emotionally exhausting place to inhabit. And yet I cannot stop ... nor could I, would I even want to. Something pulls me further inwards even as something within me drives me forward, into darker and deeper pits of this dungeon. Occasionally it feels as though I'm opening the gates of hell itself and you know ... I think that might be exactly what's happening.

As a side note, the bright young prodigy everyone looks to as the smartest PhD student in the program just got his swine flu shot today. I held my peace when I overheard him discussing it with his thesis advisor. Nice guy, and I sure hope for his sake that I'm wrong (but in this state, actually, I'm just saying that. I don't hope a thing, one way or the other. What he doesn't know may or may not kill him and either way saying so won't change it.)

I have a terrible feeling a departmental policy may develop on this matter. I've been wrong before but call it an intuition. Of course, even without compulsion of any sort I imagine a good percentage of the faculty will dutifully roll up their sleeves: it's the sensible, rational and scientific thing to do, isn't it? No one rolls their eyes at conspiracy theories like a scientist, after all. Or perhaps I should say, like an academic because I'm sure it's the same in the humanities. Conspiracy theories are scary: they're the unification of all the disciplines, ultimately, a truly global understanding with which to give context to their little domains of thought and who wants their territory invaded? But I digress.

Or do I? I'm not sure where this ends.

If it ever does....

Burnie said...

I think if we met and you looked in my eyes you would see what you see in yourself. It is, and has been for some time, like I absorbed the weight of all transgressions against this world. I asked someone the other day if they felt what I feel and they looked at me without recognition, they didn't see what is right before their eyes and permeating their being.

I don't know anything really, but even without a Mayan calender or a vedic scripture one can sense quite easily, so it seems to me, that everything is approaching a point of infinite weight that cannot be supported it is so negative, and it's opposite is going to cut through it like a knife.

My concern is not so much for me, I have carried this knowledge for many years, but for my children. I cannot protect them, I can only tell them this one truth, everything is everything as I used to say in my youth so long ago. The connotations of that have slowly become the fabric of my being and helps to still the inclination to travel to the dark part of the soul.

Sorry to go on and on, but your words are my words, and your pain is my pain.

So I look for as much beauty and light as I can find on any given day.
Thanks so much, we be not alone, just dispersed in this liquid universe.