Cursing God in the Twilight

I'll warn you now: you're catching me at a bad time. I know the mood here around Moon Food isn't always the balmiest of Caribbean vacations, but right now I want to tie dynamite around the foundations of the world. Which all things considered is just as well because, well shit my friends, just look around you.

Boom.

The last couple of days have been personally rotten for me. Anything that can have taken a turn for the worse, has. It culminated today in something that's the closest I've ever experienced to a nervous breakdown. I sat down at the lake, under a willow tree in a nice isolated spot behind a hotel's closed-for-the-winter pool, and spent the better part of an hour cursing God. Anyone unlucky enough to walk by would have thought that I was a crazy person and right then, they wouldn't have been wrong (assuming that's ever wrong.)

I really had it out with the old bastard. Yeah, yeah, I know ... God's gender neutral. Both, neither, not applicable. For purposes of cussing the son of a bitch out though, well, I've never gotten on well with men anyways.

God kept his peace, for the most part. Towards the end he tried whispering a thing or two in my head about how futile it was to hate him, that even if I started playing for the dark side I'd be working for him anyways, but fuck 'im. Can't reason with the heart and right then the heart was saying, then how come you shower all your blessings everywhere but me? How come it's never my turn? Asshole. I hate you and I know that hate's a sham and that makes me want to hate you more.

So. Here I am, undergoing this inner emotional cytokine storm that has me wanting the whole world to die, for every human life to be snuffed out and creation itself to implode. Truth be told my own death, a real and final death with none of this reincarnation on the karmic wheel bullshit, would be just as acceptable a resolution to what I've been going through. Either way an end to being. It's that NO to existence that forms the primal root of everything in the universe that we might sum up under the broad fluttering battle-standard of Raw Evil, and that NO has been growling lately from the very depths of my heart.

Yeah, well, I'm not really here to talk about me, except maybe insofar as there's no such thing as me since really I'm just another part of the world, so me and the world, we're the same thing, which is either egotistical or egoless depending on how you look at it. Old hat around here, right, I know, but it bears repeating since there's still plenty of us humans haven't figured this out for themselves yet. Fair enough as I'm still struggling to get a handle on this whole seamless unified consciousness thing, and I have it on pretty good authority that it isn't so easy to master.

Yeah, so the world. The weekend of the 25th the President of the Incorporated States of America declared a national state of emergency over swine flu, and a key economic indicator (I forget which, but you're a smart crowd: you either know or you can find out), one which functions as a leading indicator, switched over into early-warning mode. It came and went without people much noticing, but it was right on time for the web bot prediction of when things would get kicked up a notch.

This weekend came news of a massive outbreak of not-swine-flu in the Ukraine, with people already dropping like flies. CIT filed for bankruptcy, the fifth largest in US history and by implication, I expect, probably in that of the world.

And Israel and Iran ... tick, tock. Whether that will be next weekend's surprise I can't say, but the 6th Night of the Mayan calendar's Galactic Underworld starts on the 7th. It'll take about a year to play out and it will be in most respects the worst year of our lives.

It's not just me and it's not just current events. A lot of people I know are going through some elementally vicious times in their lives right now, and others are telling me the same of those they know. Everything is going suddenly and unfairly pear-shaped on them, like the world's tearing at them through everything they have, everything they do, and everyone they know, resulting in a crushing psychic pressure that's building in our minds ... like being ripped apart by the world and suffocated and spat upon all at the same time. My bet would be that you're experiencing this in your personal life right now probably more or less to the degree that you're consciously sensitive to the context of the world around you, to the degree that you realize you are that world and feel what it feels. It's the best of us who hurt the worst.

I don't expect it helps much to hear it put in this light. Misery might love company but the kind of misery I'm in right now, man, let me tell you: I know but that does not mean I give a fuck. I cannot help but feel that way: it's how the whole world feels.

It has to happen like this. Look around you at the world as it's been, the world as humanity has made it: poverty, war, alienation, crime, despair, corruption, decay, and dissolution into drugs, entertainments, and general apathy. The apathy, that's the worst of it. The biosphere's being destroyed, the human soul is being eaten, our great-grandchildren are being sold into slavery to a gang of petty crooks who are plotting to steal the entire future and we can't even rouse ourselves to really care.

This is not a happy world. It is not a good world. This world cannot go on in its current state. And it won't. You might say the world hates itself right now. That primal NO is echoing through the thoughtscape of which our individual human minds are but outcroppings and the results are what we see around us in the world, in the lives of others, in our own lives: chaos, failure, and frustration at every turn, the microcosm mirroring the macrocosm. World has decided to commence the process of rending herself to shreds. Whether she's been planning this for a while, or was just abused or betrayed or bitterly disappointed one time too many is now entirely beside the point. She's sitting in the bathtub with the water running and a straight-razor in her hands, and she isn't thinking straight, nor is she seeing straight thanks to the bellyful of pills and the tears, and so when she finally starts in on her arms, well, it won't be a couple of clean cuts, put it that way.

Hah. Yeah, I know. God's a man, Gaia's a woman. How much more cliche can I be?

Well, I'll say this much, if only because at the moment it too feels like a horrible cliche: there's a better, more beautiful world coming on the other side of all this chaos and upheaval. People will die, in great and tragic numbers. Governments will topple, starvation and crime will stalk the streets, disease will run rampant and fear and paranoia will rule people's minds to a terrifying degree as the truth of what is, and what's been, is made inevitably apparent to them. The sheer scale of the crimes that have been committed and contemplated beggars the imagination when comprehended in its totality. I have no doubt that those who realize it too suddenly will be driven irreparably mad as a result, through some awful combination of shock and embarrassment, and that madness will express itself in terrible ways.

But the truth is a powerful source of psychic energy. Those who've discovered it know this already, if only as an intuition. They sense its potence, though at present the world denies it at every turn and seemingly showers its affections upon criminals who revel in its degredation. I've noticed many times a certain light in some people's eyes, a something-more that inevitably bespeaks a mind that has at least begun to open itself, and without exception I find that with such people there need be no argument: understanding is instantaneous and mutual, often akin to telepathy in its intensity. And yet at the same time, I've also noticed that there seems to be a kind of interference pattern or jamming signal around such interactions: though I might meet such people, inevitably the world arranges our lives such that we never meet again or at any rate are kept at distances such that no interaction is possible save through correspondence.

Les has said a few times this is because the demons are being held up as an object lesson, an example of what Not To Do for a great number of future generations and I figure he'll be shown to be right about this. That means that during this period the truth cannot be allowed to flourish: lies must instead be at their furthest extent, that those who serve them may be elevated high for all to see ... and then cast down low, like the ultimate cosmic Summer King, the culmination of an extended course in morality and being spanning ten thousand years or more. "See, humanity?" World is saying, "This is what secrets, lying, greed and narrow egos gets you: pain."

The Mayan Sun is about to set, and in the reddening light and rapid shadows everything's getting weird. It's going to go from weird to worse, and just to get through what's ahead we'll have to learn that lesson the world has been so patiently trying to teach us all along: that we're all one, all the same thing, that conflict is futile and mutual predation counterproductive. It's our failure to grasp that one lesson, and nothing else, that's kept us all this time from building a true civilization, one with its basis in consciousness, conscience, creativity and compassion, not just for this group or that group and not even just for all of humanity but for everything. The next several months will see untold destruction wrought upon the world as we've known it; but in the ruins, those who have learned the lesson they were meant to will set about forging this Civilization for the first time in the history of our species. We'll have to, just to get through it. There won't be any other way.